


Oregon Trail

by panpipe



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-21
Updated: 2007-06-21
Packaged: 2017-10-13 03:45:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/132472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panpipe/pseuds/panpipe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arashi gets a new variety show -- surviving on the Oregon Trail. (Brief mentions of ABC, Ya-Ya-Yah, Ikuta Toma, Musical Academy, Ryo, Tegoshi, Massu, Kame, and Jin.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oregon Trail

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://panpipe.livejournal.com/36143.html#cutid1).

When Johnny tells them they'll be hosting a new variety show, they figure it will be something like G no Arashi; however, when a box of what can only be deemed supplies -- rifles, bullets, strange pioneer-type clothing (but with sparkles -- Johnny's Jimusho, after all, does nothing without sparkles), a wagon wheel, and what appears to be an animal skin -- arrives, they begin to worry.

Matsujun's first words on the subject are: "But these clothes are terrible! I can't wear them in public, much less on TV!"

Their manager gives him a harried glance and says, simply, "It'll be very practical where you're headed." And after that cryptic message, the boys are refused any more information. Instead they are simply told to pose in their new outfits -- "I ABSOLUTELY WON'T WEAR THIS," Jun shouts angrily. (He does eventually, though.) -- with their rifles, wagon wheels and axles, and even a rather authentic looking wagon for their latest photo shoot.

A week later, they are told to show up at the studio with only the supplies they were given earlier. When they arrive, Johnny wishes them a gruff, "Good luck!" before shoving them through a door, and the next thing they know they are in an arid, almost deserted town.

"Welcome to the Oregon Trail!" a cheery voice calls out to them. "Do you need any supplies before heading off?"

Aiba blinks, looks around, and says, "This is stranger than that time I turned into a girl."

 

After a bit of squabbling, they decide on six oxen and 3,000lbs of food. ("He said 1,000lbs would be enough!" Sho whines. "Are you kidding?" Jun asks incredulously. "This is Arashi." "Yeah! We'd starve with only that much food," Aiba says. "Don't you want us to live?" Nino asks spitefully. Sho throws his hands in the air. "I give up, fine, buy all that food. Bet we'll finish the trip and have at least 1,000lbs left, just you wait and see.")

The oxen are sort of smelly and gross, but Aiba seems to think they are adorable, because he runs up to them and starts cooing. Grinning from ear to ear, he turns back to the others, and, pointing at one of the oxen, said, "Let's name this one Arashi! And this one can be Masaki, and this one can be Kazunari...."

 

The first days on the trail are actually sort of fun. They laugh and sing things like Kitto Daijoubu and A・RA・SHI. But then they start to hear strange noises at night -- howling and a sudden loud thudding of feet (well, paws, really).

"I think we should learn how to use the rifles," Ohno says sagely. The others nod in agreement; the previous night, Aiba had suggested that music always soothes the angry beast, but when they tried to test his hypothesis, instead of hearing the sounds disappear, they only seemed angrier. "Ah," Nino had said, sounding slightly strangled (probably with fear), "perhaps we should stop."

 

When they arrive at a fort, the first thing they do is talk to the soldiers there, asking for pointers on how to use their rifles. The men are glad to oblige, but in the end, Nino is the only one they trust to use the gun and not kill anyone by accident. ("I told them I didn't mean to shoot that guy's arm! It was an accident! I just need more practice!" Aiba had whined.) The others unanimously nominate Nino to be their defender at night, and all feel much safer about sleeping on the Trail. Nino's just glad that this means Aiba won't be trying to shoot a gun anymore.

 

After a little over a month, Arashi finally encounters their first real disaster on the trail. It has rained for the past two days; after a painful jolting halt, they realize one of their wheels has been stuck firmly in the mud. "I guess we'll have to push it," Sho says glumly.

Matsujun, Sho, Nino, and Aiba all take a spot near one of the wheels, and Ohno positions himself behind the wagon. They all begin pushing, as Sho, stationed near the stuck wheel, attempts to pull it out of the mud. Everything seems to be going rather well when suddenly they hear an agonizing scream.

Ohno, Nino, Aiba, and Jun rush over to Sho's side to find that his arm now bends at a strange angle. When Sho finally stops screaming, no one says a word. That is, until Matsujun mutters, "We don't get paid enough for this."

It's then they finally seem to realize that perhaps Sho's arm really shouldn't look like that and that perhaps they ought to call Johnny. They pull out their cell phones all at once and frantically try to phone the management -- but of course there's no signal. However, Aiba manages to send a distressed text message of "＼(>o<)／ギャーッ！HELP SHO HURT" (though no one is quite sure how he managed it, but it's Aiba so they just accept it).

It feels like days ("YEARS," Sho says later), when finally help arrives. Johnny's idea of help, however, appears to be Ya-Ya-Yah dressed as pioneer women with a stretcher. "Johnny says you're dead," they announce. When the only response is Arashi's blank stares, they continue. "You can't perform or be on News Zero until the others finish the trail, because according to the show, you're dead."

"But that'll be months!" he cries in protest. One of the boys grabs his broken arm, and Sho shrieks as they lift him onto the stretcher and take their leave.

The rest of Arashi stares blankly as they disappear into thin air.

 

A month after Sho "dies," Arashi is beginning to find that water is rather scarce. They start to find holes dug in the ground filled with water, and while at first they stare at the holes wearily; the day finally comes that Nino cries out, "I can't take it any more! If I don't have water I'll die," and he drinks from it greedily. The others stare, and when he finishes he licks his lips and says, "Actually, that was sort of gross. It tasted weird."

"Well," Jun said, "the water didn't look exactly clean."

Nino looks at him. "Well what else are we supposed to drink?" he asks plaintively.

 

It's not more than a few days before Nino comes down with a fever, a pounding headache, and a cough that never ends. "What the fuck," he says. "I seriously don't get paid enough."

 

The next week sees Nino passing in and out of fits of delirium, sometimes imagining that he's talking to Yamapi or Clint Eastwood, discussing work. He also says something about, "Yes, yes, Ohchan," and Jun isn't sure he really wants to know what that's all about. When Aiba strips off Nino's shirt (it's soaked in sweat, and they don't want him to be uncomfortable) they notice rose colored spots on his chest.

"I don't think that's normal," Ohno says slowly, staring worriedly into Nino's discomforted face. "I think you should text Johnny-san about this, Aiba."

Aiba nods, the same worried expression on his face (Jun's face also mirrors their reactions). After a few minutes of fiddling with his cell phone, he manages to send a distressed, " （；_・）NINO SICK" to management.

This time the response is faster, and it's not Ya-Ya-Yah. It appears Johnny has sent Ikuta Toma to pick up the unfortunate passenger. "Yikes," he says. "Nino doesn't look too good. I'll make sure he gets to the hospital right away, don't worry." He hauls Nino onto his shoulder and is walking away when suddenly he turns around. "Oh yeah -- don't forget, this means Nino is dead now."

 

A week passes and one night while they're sleeping they hear rustling noises, muffled shouts, and then finally the distressed cries of their oxen. Aiba immediately wakes up and rushes to their defense, only to find four of their oxen missing and three men running away with packages in their hands. "AHHHH," he screams. "AHHHHHHHH. MASAKI AND KAZUNARI AND JUN AND ARASHI WERE STOLEN!!"

The others jump out of bed and rush to his side, staring dismally at their two remaining oxen. "Who took them?" Jun asks wearily.

"THOSE MEN!!" Aiba shouts, pointing at the three men swaggering away, hands filled with boxes.

"They're carrying boxes, not oxen," Ohno says.

That's when they hear one of the boxes moo.

 

They're traveling quite a bit slower now that they only have two oxen. Matsujun continuously complains of the heat, and Aiba keeps chattering to the cows, muttering things about how he'll rescue their fallen brethren and take revenge. Ohno's not sure he wants to know how Aiba plans to implement such an attack.

They find a small river and decide to rest a few days by the water. They're all tired, and Nino's sickness really rattled them earlier. (They had gotten a text message from Nakai-san a few days after it had happened. "IT WAS TYPHOID," the message said, "WHAT SORT OF IDIOT DRINKS WATER WITH FECES IN IT." They don't plan on trusting those water holes ever again.)

Aiba and Ohno are sitting peacefully, watching the oxen eat when suddenly they hear a piercing, girly scream; they take off running, and when they arrive Aiba demands, "WHAT HAPPENED, JUN-KUN. ARE YOU ALRIGHT."

Jun glares. "I think I just got bit by a snake."

 

This time Johnny sends someone as soon as Aiba's text message gets through (" ＼（－－）／ マイッタ MATSUJUN SNAKE"); Ohno thinks to himself that he's glad Johnny's responses are getting faster because it seems as though their injuries keep getting more and more severe. (This time it's ABC that shows up -- they're doing flips and other acrobatics as they appear and Matsujun starts screaming bloody murder when Kawai shows up dressed exactly like him and pretending to have a snake bite as well.)

 

A few days pass and another ox gets stolen. Aiba and Ohno are beginning to feel a little desperate and hopeless, but then suddenly they hear, "Another ox gone missing? You two really can't survive without the great Matsumoto Jun, can you?"

 

Even though he says that, less than a month passes and suddenly he has measles. Aiba sighs and types " ＼（－－）／ マイッタ MATSUJUN MEASLES," then muses, "I wonder who they'll send this time?"

(It turns out they send Musical Academy. Machida and Ohno have a rather nice talk until Jun interrupts and shouts, "I HAVE MEASLES, I'M UNCOMFORTABLE, I'M DRESSED IN AWFUL CLOTHES, AND I WANT TO GO HOME." Machida shrugs at Ohno, and then helps the other Juniors to carry Matsujun away.

"Don't forget that he's dead now!" he calls out cheerfully before disappearing.)

 

Two weeks pass and suddenly all Aiba can talk about are his bowels. Ohno finds it rather disgusting and wishes Aiba would stop, but instead all he gets is Aiba shouting loudly, "I REALLY THINK I'VE GOT DYSENTERY. ISN'T THAT EXCITING, I REALLY FEEL LIKE WE'RE OUT WEST NOW."

 

"You know," Aiba says, cocking his head to the side -- and at first Ohno is worried that after nearly three weeks of bowel-free conversation Aiba is going to start on that again, but then it appears he's safe on that account -- "I think we lost the trail."

Ohno slows the oxen to a halt. (At the fort they stopped at earlier, they were able to buy three more. "Let's name them all after the F4 now," Aiba had said cheerfully.) "What?" he asks, dumbfounded.

"Well, look. It's suddenly a lot grassier and more wild-looking, isn't it?"

Ohno cocks his head to the side as well, and says, "Oh. It does, doesn't it."

They spend the next two days searching for the way back to the Trail.

 

A week passes and suddenly the Trail just... ends.

"You know, I don't think we're really at the end yet," Aiba says, staring at the ground. "It seems too sudden. Plus I bet there would be a party waiting for us at the real ending."

"You're probably right," Ohno says dejectedly. "With a lot of fans waiting to shake our hands."

"Yeah."

"I think we made a wrong turn somewhere."

"Yeah."

 

Aiba comes down with a fever and Ohno starts to really worry. What if he gets left here all alone? He can't fold his own clothes, let alone take care of himself. Someone's always been there for him.

He stays by Aiba's side all night and is relieved when Aiba wakes up in the morning, notices Ohno holding his hand, and says, smiling, "Captain is really very sweet!"

 

Aiba gets lost. Ohno really should have seen it coming, but truth be told, he thought he'd be the one to get lost first. They had merely been taking a look around at the scenery -- it's all extremely beautiful out here -- and then suddenly Aiba had just... vanished.

He yells out Aiba's name until he's hoarse, and worries himself to sleep that night.

He worries himself to sleep the next night, too.

Then he wakes up, and Aiba says, "CAPTAIN, YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE PEOPLE THAT I MET!" and he's standing there with a huge grin and some rather frightening looking Indians behind him. "THEY'RE SO NICE."

Ohno's not sure he believes him, but at least now he can relax. Well, a little. All those Indians appear to be carrying weapons, and neither he nor Aiba can shoot the rifle.

 

They come to a huge river and a man that looks strangely like one of the hosts from Hey Hey Hey! says, "CONGRATULATIONS~ You've nearly made it to the end of the trail. You can either take this river, filled with rocks and a fast current, or you can take the toll road."

Ohno starts to say they'll take the toll road, but Aiba interrupts him. "THIS RIVER RIDE IS GOING TO BE FUN," he shouts cheerily. Ohno sighs. At least they won't be trying to float down it in an origami boat this time, he thinks.

 

Aiba decides that he's going to steer. They come extremely close to hitting three rocks -- Ohno has been counting everything as they go down the river, it's the only way he can stay calm -- but in the end they make it safely to the end.

They see Tegoshi, Ryo, Kame, Jin and Massu waiting with Johnny, their manager, Jun, Nino and Sho. "I can't believe they made it to the end of the trail and we didn't," Ryo mutters darkly. "Tegoshi, you go to college. Aren't you supposed to be smarter than them?"

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU ALL DIED AND LEFT ME ALONE," he cries out, and nearly bursts into tears. "DID YOU KNOW JOHNNY-SAN MADE ME WRITE MY OWN TOMBSTONE. IT WAS SO AWFUL." Massu clutches Tegoshi and glares at Ryo, as if saying, You monster, I can't believe you're making Tegoshi-chan cry.


End file.
